i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This baby is an asshole
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
