So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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