so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
