things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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