hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
