My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
