she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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