when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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