i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
