is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
