just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
