watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
