He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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