Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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