I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
