you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
