There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Randomize
