drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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