I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
