...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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