I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
