Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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