ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
