Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
