my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
