Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
