Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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