I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
