i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
