just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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