Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
