I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
His hands were made for my vagina.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
