i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
