things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
