I am in a vortex of obligation.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
