Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
