6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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