So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
