I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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