My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
