woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my shit smells like andre
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
sex in a hospital.. check
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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