Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
