i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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