so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
