got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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