I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
