Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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