I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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