Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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