I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
